anima mundi

Show me.

If a culmination of experiences leads you to a place that can be easily mistook for the same place you were at before, then where are you?

Rushing through emotion and sensation, I take mental notes along the way. Try to find the tell-tale points of a change in path, change in thought, ideals and ideas. And then I try to apply them to every moment. 

I find myself sitting in the same room I’ve sat in for a couple of years. I tell myself stories with my eyes as I look around, and find the spot on the couch where I cried, and cried and cried, at one point convinced of the vastness of divine existence, at another point weeping in mourning for love-feelings. I see a photo on the wall of my family that glowed so brilliantly in a moment of revealing. Friends laughing, spilt wine, stoned afternoons and expensive meals, a purring cat. So many happenings that exist now only in what I call my memory, in the etchings of my DNA, in the make-up of the future, past, and the forever.

But all I have is this moment. 

So am I happy in this moment? 

What if I’m completely unchanged? 

“Stop trying to find me. You know what this is, and you know what’s coming. You can’t really forget now. Go enjoy the life you chose for yourself, and just get on with it. Go.”

The few days since I have been more centered, aware that obsession with the infinite is a journey that will only make me miss the world around, and miss it even more when it’s gone. 

The world isn’t what I wish it to be, but I presume I don’t know how to make it better, and I don’t think we as a collective have yet earned the right to be thrust from it into a better phase. It’s coming, of course, in its own time, and we can affect its progress through simple acts of kindness and sending of hope, and love for those around us, but it takes tremendous courage and selflessness to completely step outside of yourself and work for a greater good on a mass scale. What about me? Did I not earn the right to my individuality? Isn’t that the point of the divide?

Choose your own path, honey. You are under no obligation to surrender your ego permanently. 

The fear is creeping in, I can feel it. And with it comes ego, and with that comes loneliness. But there is a very big difference between being lonely and feeling alone. I know infinite love, I recognise it in the faces of others, in the whispers of the wind, in the texture of the trees, the pitter-patter of the rain, and the smell of sunshine. 

I’m grateful, but I still want more. I want touch, and caress. I long to kneel in servitude of pure expression.  

There is a dull ball of anxiety sitting somewhere in the middle of my chest. 

I’ve been aware of it for weeks.

I need a teacher.

So, there have been many changes for me lately. More than I can go into, more than I can put into words, but that’s okay, because it doesn’t have to be words, or thought, or anything. 

I am watching the world around me slowly evolve and every day a little change fills me with more hope and stupid smiles. I can see it reflected in the people I love, the people I have to deal with every day, the weather, the movement of the trees, the food I eat and the water I drink…and my own reflection. 

Slowly but surely, I am being given the reminders I need, to push me further along the path I chose for myself before my birth. 

I am not my past. 

I am not my future.

I am all that there is, right now. 

I am harmonious flow, made of light and love.

It is a very exciting time to be on earth. 

Wake up. Remember. We need you.

This is thoroughly a matter of the heart.
If everything you attempt, no matter how carefully planned, ends in disarray, then examine your motives.
They are the cause of your predicament.
It isn’t that your motives aren’t pure — even the best intentions will fail under these circumstances.
What stymies you in this situation is that you have a motive at all.
Free yourself of all expectations, release any tenuous grip you may have, and roll with it.
This is totally out of your control.
There are higher powers and more elements affecting the outcome of this situation than you can imagine.
Get out of their way.

Just a tiny little piece of everything <3